I’ve written more about this topic than I ever would have reasonably imagined in my life I would end up writing about it, including this ditty on the “boys don’t cry” problem of work and this jam on potential new definitions for masculinity. I think about being a dude a semi-regular amount, as I often viewed myself as a failed one, and I think about male friendships a lot too. I wouldn’t call myself an expert on these topics, no, but I also think anyone who claims to be an expert on masculinity is so full of shit it’s coming out their ears. Masculinity is a very broad topic, and one Medium post won’t distill anything effectively. Still, let’s try!
What are some core tenets?
This varies by guy, and by region, without question. And it has evolved over the past few decades, which is good. But by and large, I still feel like many first-world males view themselves as successful dudes if they:
Make money
Nice trappings
Nice wife
Produced kids
Maybe can build stuff, do physical stuff
Get laid with some degree of regularity
If you gave a man maybe 3 out of 6 on that list, including the top and bottom, I think most guys would look in the mirror and smile. I could be wrong about that, but I don’t think I am.
What of this supposed evolution?
Indeed, indeed. Here’s a new article from Harvard Business Review. This article is mostly good, and does have research/stats (always helpful), but it also follows the narrative trajectory many articles have come to follow recently, which is:
Here’s a massive problem simplified to a base equation.
COVID was bad and the aftermaths will fundamentally shift society.
Gen Z will be different than Boomers.
Everyone is caring about diversity now.
These things are true, but we take them at face value without questioning them too often. COVID was bad, undeniably (is bad, actually), but human brains crave normalcy, and we may simply race back to that without anything really “changing” writ large, minus our scales and horns from vaccinations. (I jest.) Gen Z will be different than Boomers, without question, but what happens to a Gen Z with three kids? Right. They need income, because those children need things. (As do the parents.) Believe in DogeCoin and SafeMoon all you want, but for now, our only repeatable path to income is a job or some series of investments, and you usually need a job before you make investments, so a Gen Z with a young family is as beholden to work as a Boomer with a young family, despite 45 years of difference in time.
As for everyone caring about diversity, sure, I do believe that — although we have to admit that a lot of the supposed “care” right now is essentially performative, or brands trying to appeal to consumers with woke language and Gram postings, and I would bet you $100 on the spot that most of the senior leadership team never discusses diversity except for “Yea, let Brenda in HR hire a vendor.”
I might be wrong, tho. From that HBR article:
What’s more, recent research reveals those leaders who truly believe in the value proposition of diversity, inclusion, and the core tenets of allyship are 62% more likely to occupy the C-suite.
So that could be cool!
Article makes the general point that men need to be more inclusive leaders — good start — and talks about the standard tenets of every business journalism article, including:
“Be uncomfortable.”
“Create a culture of accountability.”
“Create a culture of transparency.”
“Be personal and visible.”
All good suggestions, and good starts, but honestly a lot of guys I know, from friends to acquaintances to one-time colleagues, want cultures of comfort, money, and tracking documents. Many organizations outright allow managers to run away and hide from awkward conversations. What do you think “HR Tech” is, where you leave employee reviews in a fucking portal instead of speaking to the person you manage? Indeed.
So the supposed evolution is here, but is it really here? Are men becoming better leaders? I don’t know if we have a full deck of evidence on that. Their financial returns might be growing in some companies, but in terms of being inclusive, caring more about direct reports, etc? Those things are hard to track, but anecdotally I do not feel they are happening.
What should masculinity look like?
I am typing this in the dark drinking a celery juice wearing a backwards White Sox hat and I’m not even sure my sperm are mobile, so I am probably not the person to answer this question. But I will give it a try.
It will vary by man, obviously. I think you will never scale out the guy who wants to get laid by Brittany and deadlift 550 pounds at 25 reps. That guy is not going away. If anything, the Era of Trump may have emboldened that guy.
What I’d like to see men focus on is:
Reduce the ego: If your lady makes more money than you and you do more at home/childcare, awesome. Lean into that.
Care more about colleagues: Spend 3x the time on people as you do on tracking documents and financial acronyms.
Support from privilege: Use your inherent privilege to help others.
View success as quality time: Your success is not your house, your car, your wife’s rack, your salary, your bonus, or anything else. It’s quality time with friends and family; it’s the ability to have that.
Teach young boys about crying, about different versions of success, about sex: Don’t create warriors. We don’t need those anymore. Create men who can feel and discuss. I legitimately know dudes for 20+ years and I call/text them and say “My wife and I are getting divorced.” They respond: “Oh, that sucks.” Like, gimme a little fucking slice of something, my man. Raise the bar an inch. If you’re a father, even of daughters, strive to create that. Create that in dudes that play with your daughters if you must. Create that in Little League. It should be your goal that no man you encounter will get to that moment with a friend and say “Oh, that sucks.” Make men work harder at what actually matters to life.
What else you got?