Being An Only Child Of Aging Parents

Some ruminations, ideas, and thoughts if you're currently in this boat.

Much hand-wringing of late about the fertility rate, and within that discussion there’s a lot of women on TikTok saying one child is the best model (I know some women IRL like this), which makes sense because one child is theoretically going to be more affordable than three children. However, there’s a counter argument that people “need” siblings because they’re built-in friends, with sometimes the argument extending to “Well, when you’re old, it’s better that the responsibility for your care be shifted among 2–3 people.” Guys like Elon have even said that part out loud. Ironically, he has 14 kids (that we know of) and I doubt many of them will “take care of him” in 30 years, although the assets will. Anyway.

I am an only child. I live in Fort Worth and my parents live in NYC. You have no need to care about any of this, but if you are in this situation or approaching this situation, maybe this can help a little bit, or at least offer some ways to think about it. I am not sure it will, but it felt like something semi-valuable to write.

Brief backstory

I am 44. My mom is 81 and my dad is 85. I am married (second time), but I don’t have kids. As noted above, my parents live in NYC. I have been in Ft. Worth since 2014. NYC is generally thought to have “bungled” COVID. Somewhere around a year into COVID, I think there was a brief window where my parents considered leaving NYC for Texas, since I am an only child and they were getting older. This ultimately did not happen for various reasons. I used to think the primary reason was “lack of grandkids,” and believe me, I have been in therapy and at the bar many times over that perceived inadequacy of mine, i.e. thinking I am losing out on a third-act relationship with my parents because I haven’t reproduced.

Now I generally think the main reason is partially that, but also people — and especially NYC’ers — get set in their ways and what they know and understand, and the concept of jumping from NYC to Texas feels daunting. I’ve done it, and I bet tens of thousands of others have done it (I know several), but it does feel daunting, yes.

Are we close?

Yes and no. I think we have gone through ups and downs as parents/child. Since 2014, when I got down here, I think they have visited me twice here, and I have been back to NYC twice. I also met them once in Rhode Island and once in the Hamptons (fancy). Maybe it was twice in the Hamptons. So in 11 years, I think we have seen each other seven times. That’s not great, but also not “no contact” either. If it helps for context, I got remarried in 2020 to a woman who I started dating in 2017. My parents and her parents have never met face-to-face in eight years.

The 911 calls context