“But I Just Wanna Be Pregnaaaaaaaant…”
The clarion call of the 30-something female (in less cases than before, when it was 20-something females, but still a decent amount).
Man, I probably have too much on this particular topic, and not really any of it that good. Let’s start.
There is a British show on Apple TV called “Trying.” Basically it’s about a couple that tries to get pregnant, does fertility treatments, and ultimately adopts some kids. Just now, in Season 4, the kids were older. It’s a sweet + cute show, but if you go through infertility, some of it is triggering, for sure. There is a scene on a bus — yes, a public bus — in Season 1, where the main couple has sex (yes, on a public bus) and the woman is sure “that was the one.” Sadly, when you go through infertility, sometimes you have sex and one or the other person says “That was the one.” It isn’t the one, but you want to think hope dies last, ya know? So yea, tough to see or watch.
In that “Trying” show, the main lady (Nikki) says a few times: “I just want to be pregnant.” Now, in my own life I’ve heard this dozens of times — some from my wife, and some from her friends or our mutual friends. This is a complicated one to unpack at some level, because I totally get it and I understand why a woman of a certain age with x-y-z societal expectations would say that. Buuuut, at the same time it almost feels “wrong” for people to say that, because it seems like you’re prioritizing the pregnancy, which is just 40 weeks of what might end up being a 60-year journey. It feels like a “destination vs. journey” problem, which we’ve increasingly had since maybe the advent of social web.
If you’re confused by what I mean there, look, for all of history women have loved babies and maybe lost their hair over having teenagers. The baby is the reward and the baby also signifies a lot of things, i.e. “I did this,” “I finished the job,” “I’m in the club now,” “people are seeing me and paying attention to me” (although that wanes, hence post-partum), “I got a shower and a sprinkle,” and all this other stuff.
The pregnancy and the baby are goals and oftentimes, as you see all your comrades-in-arms on Instagram with their bumps and “Baking!” captions, you see that as the destination. Well, my wife’s grandfather died when my wife’s dad was almost 70. Hence, he was an earth-side father for about 68 years. The baby bump and the gender reveal are nice, but we’re talking about a 68-year journey potentially, especially if you have kids young.
When I hear women moan about “I just wannnaaaaaa be pregnaaaaaaant,” I sometimes feel like we’re trading away the idea of “journey” for “immediate destination.”
Obviously, this varies by woman and couple.
However, recently we’ve had a lot of noise about whether millennial parents are bad at it. Big moral panic. Their kids can’t read and are destroying Sephora.
We tend to blame this on (a) the phones or (b) “the COVID years,” but what if there’s something to a new generation of moms who really just wanna be knocked up and getting loved on and attended to, but don’t actually want to be long-term moms? I saw this first-hand at an affluent church I worked out for approximately 87 days before getting piped.
Again, the pregnancy thing is a big deal because, as Anne Helen Petersen once wrote in a newsletter I cannot find the link to anymore, “every baby is the result of a story a woman told herself about who she is.” So the pregnancy thing is very big in that regard. It’s also big for the guy. As someone who has missed that target for (long-range) 13 years and (short-term) 3.5 years, I can tell you it sucks to keep missing the target, and it makes you lose your fucking mind some days/weeks. If you’re a guy and you get her there, I think you at least clear the “virility” check-mark, and that’s a big thing for conventional masculinity. I can also tell you that if you don’t get her there, there’s a shit ton of resentment that creeps into every corner.
I am a guy, so I am not supposed to analyze these things or have any thoughts, but it does seem sometimes like the constant chorus of “I just wanna be pregnaaaaaaaant” is leading us down the wrong path, whereby we emphasize the short-term destination instead of the bigger journey.
Now, some might read this and think, “Well, yes, logically, someone would want that at, say, age 29. When earth-side motherhood emerges, they will figure it out.” I agree with that. Most women (and men) eventually figure it out, even the ones who produce strippers, school shooters, and Supreme Court ideologues. We all figure it out, but it does feel like the modern moment is more about the destination. We even see this in gender reveal bullshit.
Finally, usually within the IG baby bump period, we start the dangerous narrative of “You will never know a love greater than this.”
Why would I call this narrative “dangerous?” Well, I’ve talked to a ton of women who get home with a newborn, or get to have a three year-old, and the kid is fussy or won’t sleep or talks back or throws toys, and they think, “Wow, this sucks.” But society tells them, NO, Becky, NO. This is the greatest love ever. Then they look over at Eric, and Eric does absolutely nothing domestic, and when you call him on active fatherhood and household involvement, he screams at you about how he gave you two kids (did you carry the kid for 40 weeks, Eric?) and how much money he makes. So now the woman is essentially depressed as shit, because this thing that was supposed to be “the greatest love” is throwing toys and not responding to directives, and the previous “greatest love” — the one her sister said was her “soulmate” back at the wedding — isn’t really doing much to help. Now Becky is fucked. And that all starts with the destination phase, which is when Becky told Susie, “I just wanna be pregnaaaaaant.”
There’s an arc here. We just don’t like to discuss it openly.