Christmas 2016: The End Game

Where things kinda started to change.

I would be the first person to admit that I’ve spent a lot of my adulthood drinking, often to feel seen in some vague way.

In the process, I’ve made a lot of mistakes.

Now I’ll bring you back to December 2016.

My ex-wife and I broke up in March 2017. So this is about two-three months before that, although at this point neither of us I think had an idea. We definitely had problems, but we were kinda in this death march together for a lot of those problems. I had contemplated breaking up a few times, and I’m sure she had too. We had a big fight in Uptown Minneapolis in early April 2014 that I thought could be “the end.” Instead, we moved to Texas together about three months after that. Oddly, both of us are still here and probably live 5.1 miles apart.

Anyway.

To go back a year from this point, in December ’15 we had been in NYC for Christmas. We were staying with our friends in Astoria. On Christmas Day morning, I went to the supermarket to get something and I decided to stop and have two beers at some random bar in Queens that was open. Stupid, yes. We shared an account, and she saw that, and refused to go to my parents’ that afternoon. So I went by myself. That was a real fucking mess. About a month later, during the AFC Championship Game, her mom sent a text to about 30 people about how awful a person I was, without directly naming me. I think I punched a wall that night. Things were questionable.

Things evened out a bit in 2016. It was my first full year of being freelance. I made good money. Our relationship was iffy but OK. I drank a lot, yes. I started day drinking more during that time — finish work by 11am (doable), do P90X (ha), go to the bars along the Trinity River. Sober up by when she got home. Maybe go back out with her. We got a dog. I still have that dog. He’s sleeping in the other room as I type this.

2016 was thus OK. Late 2016 was getting messy. Around the holidays we were going to more social stuff. We were pretty good friends with a bunch of our neighbors, and had a little Woodshed (bar on the corner) crew and some other groups of friends. Things were periodically sloppy.

I went down to Miami (where she’s from) for Christmas 2016. In hindsight, there are a few main things I remember about this specific trip:

1. Her sister at the time was dating a dude named Kalyn. He’s now engaged to someone else, and I think her sister has a kid with someone else. I actually know that because one time I was hungover, saw she had a kid, and passively-aggressively sent the kid a U-Miami onesie with a special note attached. I’m horrible. Anyway, Kalyn was a good dude and we hung out a lot during this specific Christmas. There’s a random picture of us on a balcony in Miami giving what appears to be gang signs. I think that pictured is long since deleted from the Internet.

2. My ex’s mom was going through some real mental health shit periodically (I’m not one to talk or judge), and we came back from a brewery in Miami to see her sitting in the dark, with my ex’s brother and dad, talking about past trauma. That felt weird. I won’t go much deeper than that on this specific story, although it created a few “heated” discussions.

3. My ex’s sister told a really emotional story at one dinner and her mom responded with something like “This roast has too much salt.” It also felt weird.

4. Even though we were “surrounded by family,” almost everyone was checking their phone semi-consistently. Also felt weird.

Anyway, I drank during this trip, but not to excess really. Not that I remember at least. The day after Christmas, my ex and I were driving in Miami, near the Heat’s arena. I literally have no idea what started this argument, but it was probably something about her mom. That was a trigger at the time.

We get in this fight, and it spirals pretty fast, and at a stop light somewhere near whatever we call the Miami Heat arena these days (crypto?), my ex-wife (then-wife) tells me I’m a “self-loathing alcoholic.”

Now, at the time this was said, would I own that? Yes. I still think I’m somewhat self-loathing, actually. I don’t really like myself very much in general. Now, seven years or so later, this sperm thing is what’s beating me to a pulp. I didn’t really know that specific problem in December 2016, although I guess had inklings.

So the whole “self-loathing alcoholic” thing triggers me again, and we get in a deeper fight as we keep driving. I don’t really remember how it resolved, but we eventually went back to Texas together and spent New Year’s Eve at some wine bar with three other couples, so I guess it resolved within a few days.

The only other pop from this period I remember is that we went to NYC in February 2017, so a month before we broke up. The morning we were gonna leave, we got in another pointless fight and she says to me as she comes out of the bathroom, “Why are we even doing this anymore?” The comment was supposed to be about the trip to NYC, but it really meant the marriage.

Game over 3.5 weeks later. Lives changed in the process.

Was she right in what she said in that car? Yes, probably. Was it a nice thing to say? No, probably not. Months later, when we were breaking up but still living together, I told her one night: “The vows say sickness AND health,” which was maybe my equivalent to “self-loathing alcoholic.” I dunno. It’s weird to reflect on, but life is essentially a series of chapters — and if you get the same partner for four decades+, I’d say you’re blessed in some respects.

We’ve both moved on now, but I do want to own the self-loathing alcoholic thing and put into the universe that I’m trying to chase something better now. It took years, but I’m trying to do it.