Anecdotally, I’ve probably had 12 people tell me in the last few years some variation of this: “Kids are hard but awesome, and one of the best parts is that you can opt out of so many social situations.” I would never claim that’s the primary reason people choose to have children, but I think for a nice slice of the introvert class and a heaping slice of some other classes, it probably is a perk of entering BabyLand.
I’ve got this one dude I know from afar. We were at best casual acquaintances and now are more like frenemies. Masculinity is confusing. Anyway, he had a set of twins years ago, and all his friends would tell me that for 36 months after the twins were born, he’d respond to any social text with:
“Twins (shrug emoji)”
That literally lasted three years.
Here’s the full list of reasons why people have kids, best I can tell.
I think the oft-stated Number 1 reason is “… to bring more love into the world…” or “… legacy, bloodline, etc…”
The real version of Number 1 is usually “… this is the period of life where all my friends are doing this, and I feel left out or behind …”
I am a part of that as well. I got divorced in March 2017. I had been in Texas for about 2.5 years at that point, and I had (a) been laid off from the job I moved there for and (b) now was divorced. I had theoretically no reason to stay in Texas. I ended up staying for cost of living and because I had some good friends here. I had good friends in other places, although I’d lose some via divorce. But the thing with my “other places” friends was that most of them had newborns. So if I moved near them, what would I be? The creepy uncle figure? Pass. A lot of mid-30s life decisions are made this way, including actual procreation.
I’d say Number 2 people state is some version of religion or family or thereabouts.
The real №2 is usually “this was an accident but we’re not into abortion or adoption” and/or “One set of parents was really pressuring us, so we just went and did it.”
At this point you get into the social part of the equation. I’ve been going to bars for 24 years now. I’ve seen people at all stages of life in those bars: pre-marriage, within-marriage, marriage-with-young-kids, marriage-with-teenagers, empty nest, never married, divorced, etc. The social “rat race” of your late 20s and 30s if you’re not partnered up is exhausting. It’s hard to get married people to come out; it’s impossible to get people with young kids to come out. If you’re single, you’re also trying to chase tail at some level, and most of “the good ones” are off the market. You end up by yourself a lot, and while that can lead to some interesting one- or two-off conversations, it’s also not very soul-fulfilling to sit around bars and clubs and BS with people.
Some people I think get married to escape that potential outcome, and have kids to doubly escape it. And once you are married with kids, there are any number of “this-could-be-good-or-awful” invitations, including brunches, the moms are friends, the dads are friends, the dads are coworkers, the moms are in a group together, etc. You never know whether the respective genders will click. The whole thing could be a disaster. But if you have young kids, and they also have young kids, you’re totally cool to opt out re: “blowout this morning!” or “hissy fit!” The other set of parents will understand. In that way, kids can be the ultimate social crutch.
I think about this in terms of some of the Bowling Alone context as well. I’m active in two men’s groups and a few neighborhood-related groups. Typically these groups are only attended by:
DINKs (Double Income No Kids)
Retirees
That’s it.
20-somethings don’t care — too young, disaffected, and looking for the partner track. People with young kids don’t care and usually overtly hide behind young kids. Every rejection I’ve gotten for that men’s group is “Wifey needed help with the kids this morning.” While I don’t doubt the veracity of that statement, I also completely do.
So then it can feel like your whole life is “stop being a kid yourself, find a partner, have kids of your own, opt out of community in the name of raising those kids, and return sometime in your late 50s.” That’s depressing, and makes infertility doubly depressing.
Of course every human people, couple, and parent set are vastly different, and a lot of the above is an anecdotal generalization based on what I’ve seen and heard.
What would you say, though — do some people want kids because they know it can effectively take them off the social hamster wheel?