How Do Friendships End?

A question we should potentially ask more.

Feels like we talk often about “the need for community” and “mental health challenges” and “the age of loneliness” and “humans more connected but more isolated than ever,” etc. These are heady topics that columnists, pundits, and “thought leaders” make a dime off of via books and speeches. If we’re all generally in agreement that community matters, and we also can collectively understand that the bedrock of a community is a series of interlocking friendships, then we can wonder … hmm … how exactly are we in a “friendship recession?”

Well, there’s a lot of reasons for that too — you can check out that post for more on that specific topic around the decline of American Friendship as a concept.

But the reality is, as everyone has experienced probably 12+ times, friendships end. They end at superficial levels, they end at intense levels, they end and cycle back, or they end permanently. There are a million stories in the Naked Friendship City.

How do friendships end? A quick primer.

The Usual Suspects

Life Stage Shift: Probably the biggest ender of adult friendships is a life stage shift, usually around having kids, career advancement, or a move for work/personal/”I hated how where I was dealt with COVID.” Almost every adult friendship I have ever observed (and most I’ve been in) are completely predicated on similar life stage. When that shifts, it’s harder to retain. Not impossible, but harder.

Drift: “Got busy with work.” “So busy with the kids.” “Any chance you’re traveling to Denver in the next eight months?” These aren’t intentional, per SE, but they just happen in the course of life and what you view as your most pressing immediate concerns and goals.

Divorce/Breakup: We can’t ignore this one, because the divorce rate is pretty high. When you divorce someone, you lose probably 20–50% of your friends. It happened to me. It’s happened to other people I know as well.

The Second Tier