I'm A Fuck Up

But then I wonder: who is ready for adulthood?

I don’t know how best to convey this argument, because it’s uniquely personal to me and everyone feels differently about their adulthood based on a dozen or more factors and the timing of them, so let me just start where I can: recently.

Wife got her period again recently. Another failed month of attempting to be a biological dad. I’m pretty sure it’ll never happen for us at this point, which is disheartening and always makes you a little depressed. I always get down and think, “Why can’t I be normal?”

That’s where this began. Before we go any further on that, let me say I realize millions of people inexperience some form of infertility, and not having a kid is hardly a major problem on its own face. It can feel like a problem as you go through it, and society constantly tells you that it’s the “only way to know love” and “the only path to purpose,” but I think a lot of that is bullshit cooked up to add to the tax base rolls. I think a lot of parents struggle, some parents even kill their kids, and the idea that anyone is per se “deserving” of being a parent is false. The whole thing is triggering, but it doesn’t need to be triggering. It’s just hard in the moment.

I’m walking my doggy this morning and started thinking more broadly about adulthood and what I did or did not expect. The first two big places I came to were work and friendship.