Infertility And The Long Quest For "Normalcy"

It's also worth asking: What exactly is normal?

I got the first call about male infertility while drunkenly loading a washing machine in the first quarter of 2021; my numbers were low and I needed to go talk to a specialist. I’ve been on that roller coaster for three years. My wife has joined me at times, there’s been antagonism at times, there’s been tears at times, once we went to Fiji, there’s been shots in the butt, and there’s been a whole 36 months of considering lots of different things and angles and approaches and life scripts that most people never have to consider, or only consider in small pockets (or never at all). It’s been, in a word, interesting.

There is a lot to unpack about infertility and it’s sometimes hard to have the discussions with people, usually because of these things:

• They didn’t experience it so they don’t understand.

• They don’t see why it’s a big deal.

• They had no interest in kids and view it as a blessing.

• They lecture you on your health and decisions.

• They tell you there are bigger problems in the world.

• They just don’t really care.

All of these are perfectly fine, natural, and logical reactions. I am not here to indict anyone.

On the second bullet, I can tell you that in the grand scheme of the universe, one couple not having children is absolutely not a big deal. Within that couple, it can be challenging. There are a few different prisms to “why” infertility is hard, including thinking it’s “easy” for everyone else — which it’s not, although I once had a therapist of mine tell me how easy it was for him — but one of the biggest challenges is this idea of “normalcy.”

The “have a bunch of kids” attitude is shifting in many ways of late, due to: