Naw, You 'Pleasuring' Your Wife For 1:44 Didn't Create A 'Blessing'

The faith-science split.

Just to set the table here, I’m currently in Year IV of infertility and it’s awful and I wouldn’t wish it on people I legitimately hate + you constantly just feel shitty about yourself and your inability to do a seemingly basic human thing. It’s hard.

Well, as you go through infertility, you hear the same basic shit from other people all the time — and it’s not necessarily bad, per se, because a lot of times people just don’t know what to say. But it’s usually a mix of:

• “Hang in there.”

• “I’m praying for you.”

• “It will happen.”

There’s an odd quirk to human nature whereby usually the least-empathetic people are the people who just found out they’re going to be parents. It makes sense in a way because they just got into the club + scaled the mountain, ya know? So they’re usually at the peak emotional place, plus they’re probably scared shitless so they’re focusing a lot on themselves and thus come off more selfish. So I get it, but ideally you’d want upcoming parents to be the most empathetic to what others are going through, as that’s good practice for, uh, parenting. But whatever.

Once the baby is Earthside, and there’s usually a show around a christening or baptism — my church has these all the time, and 82% of the time you never see the couple or the kid again, meaning they basically need a “rent-a-church” for something their family wanted to do — you hear a ton about how every baby is a blessing. I get it, and it’s a very conventional narrative. Churches need babies because, well, it’s a growth strategy for that church. Ha, did I just reduce babies to a “growth hacking” play? You bet your ass I did.

But the thing is, in only very rare cases is a baby actually a blessing. If a woman was told she could never get pregnant, or a woman had a significant accident, or something of that nature … yes, that’s a blessing. Most babies are, in fact, accidents. (Makes you feel worse during infertility.) The ones that aren’t accidents are usually the result of over-planning and tracking cycles by a woman and 1 minute and 27 seconds of thrusting incoherently by a man. Then the woman does all the work for 39 weeks, but somehow tells society the man “gave” her that baby. And then we wonder why men in power act certain ways? Right, OK.

“Baby as blessing” is a nice dividing line for faith vs. science.

See, some guys have fast sperm, and some women have quality eggs, and they start their process earlier in life. In those contexts, science is going to win out. Those two people are likely to make a baby successfully in the organic, biological way.

Some guys do not have fast sperm (raises hand) and some women don’t have quality eggs, and maybe they get married later or meet later in life, and the process is harder.

In Situation №2, no amount of prayers or faith is going to get a baby in there. Science will beat faith. Jesus is a good dude, but he does not enter the tubes and push the things around.

If you’re set up science-wise and body-wise, you will get the thing done. If you’re not, “I’m praying for you” or “I need a miracle” is usually not going to get you there.

The thing used to trigger me, but it doesn’t so much anymore. Moreso now what triggers me is when my pastor says the same shit line — “This baby, a true blessing” — when the family has five fucking kids all standing at the altar with the new baby. Like, OK, Donnie’s got some swimmers and Mary maybe has a pathology around being pregnant. That’s their kink. I’m with ya. But after a basketball team of children, we ain’t talking about “blessings,” yo. We talking about bodies and science.

Anyway, just some quick thoughts there.