"Not Having A Kid Is The Ultimate In Being Selfish."
Uh, have you met most moms?
I’ve been doing this whole infertility spiral for about 3.5 years now — did IVF twice, didn’t work either time, etc. — so I think a lot about these types of issues, literally every day if not once or twice per hour. I’ve now been in two long-term relationships with women who I could not make into a mom, and that does weigh kinda heavily on me in my worst moments. I’m not sure if every woman wants to be a mom, but it can feel that way.
Obviously, we do have somewhat of a stigma against child-less women. If you want to make this ideological, the stigma comes more from those who lean right, which makes sense, as conservative values embolden a certain set of gender roles. This stigma is usually framed up as “a woman being selfish,” as detailed well in this video:
That video borrows a good deal from this article.
The idea of that article is, essentially, women were supposed to “serve” and “nurture” men after the horrors of World War II. I kinda see that theory. Just FYI — we haven’t had a World War in a few decades. Some women still believe it, and the return to “trad-wife” content on Tik and The Gram underscores that (and creates equal amount of happiness and moral panic across swaths of people).
WTF Is A "Trad-Wife" And Why Is This Now A Political And Ideological Thing?
Right when COVID first hit, I was living in a rental house in the Alamo Heights section of Fort Worth. Down the street a few blocks from me was a couple with three young kids. I honestly forget their names; I think his was maybe Dave or Eric or something. She was what I’d call “conventionally attractive,” give or take (insofar as that term exists): she was blond, and tall/fit/busty. Once COVID slapped us all in the mouth and gyms closed, she used to work out along the street with her kids — i.e. running with a stroller, doing dips on the curb, etc. I had this random across-the-street neighbor, whose name I also now forget (Tom?), and he had gone to bars with me a couple of times before COVID. We had each other’s phone numbers. I was maybe 39 at the time, and he was probably 62. Masculinity and male friendship is nuts.
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to What Is Even Happening? to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.