The Decline Of Caring For Others

Have people become more self-absorbed of late? And if so, how can we get this train back on the tracks whereby there's less indifference to others and more caring?

We encounter any number of relationship dynamics in our life, notably:

• Us and our parents

• Us and our family

• Us and our friends

• Us and our lovers

• Us and our children

• Us and our pets

• Us and our co-workers

• Us and our neighbors

• Us and ourselves

I would argue each one of those is a different form of “caring” or “love” or “commitment” at some level. We tend to kinda gloss over what “caring” really means, though. We use the word a lot, especially in major life events (weddings, newborns, the end of high school and college), but there’s no real universal definition for it — nor could there be. So the answer to the question in the headline is going to vary by situation, age, and personal emotional capacity. I still think we can explore it a bit, though.

Friend-to-friend

Adult friendships are largely colored by life stage, age, location, type of work done at the time, kids vs. no kids, and kids’ ages.

Still, there are some generalized expectations of friendship, I’d say.

My big list there would be:

• Respect

• Trust

• Shared experiences

• Some in-person context

• Integrity

• Easy conversation, fall back into it (“like riding a bike”)

• Shared interests or backgrounds

I think the friend-to-friend dynamic underscores a lot of what “caring” means, and it’s about listening to people and not just discussing yourself, figuring out where they’re at in their lives, and being proactive about reaching out to them and seeing how they are. This obviously gets very clouded by professional commitments, bosses, kids, the need for money, and other to-do items. That’s why we’re what some call “a friendship recession.”

I got pretty sad in 2017 when I got divorced and no one really reached out to me or asked what was going on or why it had happened or anything — including some people I considered good friends. About five years later, I was doing IVF with a new partner, which is a seminal thing in one’s arc, and I had much the same scenario. I think part of it is me, and maybe my anger and depression and stupid texts when drinking can make people recoil. I think part of it, though, is that a lot of people just don’t really know how to raise an emotional bar for others. If you look at many guys, they can barely do it for their immediate families.

What do I have the right to expect, naw mean?

The role of vulnerability and empathy