The Friendship Recession
The sheer reality is that a lot of Americans don't actually prioritize friendship as adults.
If you’re unfamiliar with the term “friendship recession,” it’s most associated with a guy named Dan Cox, and subsequently more associated with men than women. There’s been a lot of discussion, from nuanced to hand-wringing to superficial, about the state of friendships in America and beyond over the last five or so years. The normal culprits in this discussion are:
Screen time
COVID
Neighbors don’t interact
Convenience of modern life, but also…
… busyness of modern life
Etc.
That’s definitely a huge part of the picture, but it’s not the entire picture. I’ve written a ton about friendships in the past three years. I won’t link everything for you, because that would be utter overkill, but I’ll give you two that probably matter somewhat to this discussion first:
Now let’s go to some other sources. First up, we have Richard Reeves (Reeve?) promoting a book about masculinity and discussing this “friendship recession:”
Now we’ve also got
writing an article about — hey, you’d be happier living closer to friends, so why don’t you? Within said article, she gets to the root of the core issue:1.) We’re Not Socialized to Prioritize Friendship
Not over career, not over partners, especially not over parenting — even though proximity to intimate friendship can make all of those things a whole lot easier. As Rhaina Cohen points out, “many of those who place a friendship at the center of their life find that their most significant relationship is incomprehensible to others.” (If you haven’t read Cohen’s piece on putting friendship at the center of life, it’s a must). This is the big one, I think — nothing in our lives, not our parents or mentors or even our other friends validate prioritizing friendship to the extent of an actual move, let alone something as seemingly radical as buying a house together.
Some people might look at the question of “Why don’t you move closer to your friends?” and answer: “I don’t know if I have any who actually merit moving closer.” Friendships fade or never get off the ground, not because someone’s an unlikeable person, but because no one (not you, not your friends, and especially not dudes) is encouraged past, oh, age 21 to put in the work to sustain this sort of friendship.
That’s really the essence of the whole thing. If you found 100 people and asked them, “Hey, most of your friends seem to be near Boston. Why don’t you move there?,” you’d get a certain amount of responses, which would be clustered around:
My job says I need to be in ________.
We had kids, and my/her parents are here, and it helps with child care costs.
That’s basically it. Those are the two big answers. And the “My job says I must be here” thing is eroding, although a lot of the managerial class is still hanging onto it, ya know?
Now as a final external thing, I want to bring in this John Oliver report on solitary confinement. In no way would I equate 23 hours in a 6 x 9 cell to “I don’t have as many friends as an adult,” but … look at some of the stats in here on lack of social interaction, and those things are equatable. People who lack social bonds are broken in many ways. Believe me, I’ve felt it many times.
Let’s see if we can suss out the big picture here:
There is definitely some type of friendship recession happening in America, and probably globally. I would say the biggest stated culprit is “busyness of work” and/or “pace of modern life,” and those are somewhat valid, but the reality is kids, economics, and what you choose to prioritize in the name of your own success and relevance. A lot of times, that isn’t “friendship.” What most people (and especially men) choose to prioritize is work ($$$ and relevance, success), trappings (same), and general signs of “doing it well,” which can mean attractive spouse, car, home, vacations, promotions, etc. Men will often use a “screen” of religion, neighborhood, Board membership on a non-profit, community of some kind to kinda nod at the idea that they’re wholesome and care deeply about wide buckets of things, but that’s often bullshit.
COVID also played in greatly to a friendship recession. We created an insular society for 11–12 months, if not longer, focused on “pods” (typically neighbors and family) and we made it hard to interact with non-immediate friends. This drew huge lines around what friendship even is, as well as the kids vs. no-kids lines.
3. Men vs. women is different too. I know lots of great and shitty friendships on both sides. I would say in a general sense, women prioritize friendships more, but each case varies a bit. Men struggle with the ritual needed to prioritize friendships, with the exception of maybe work friends, gym friends, and bar friends. College friends can last forever, and many do, but there’s often an erosion in male college friend groups as a chunk of those males are in the process of raising kids.
4. Something like 78% of American young mothers live within 18 miles of their parents, i.e. typically their own mom. I know people who had really nice homes in nice school districts and essentially downgraded to be closer to their own mom for child care + “we can take walks now” reasoning. That stuff is interesting to me, but again, to each their own. Does it signal the inevitable “American failure to launch” discussion? It might, but it probably just speaks to child care being too damn expensive these days.
5. You need to really start this whole friendship recession discussion along two different continuums:
How you define success
Kids vs. no kids
If you define success in conventional, observable, material ways — many do — then friendships are not that important to you. They might be №5 on the list, but probably not much higher. If you define success as community and relationships — rare, but it exists — then you probably prioritize friendships more. The definitions of success, and what makes you feel like you’re doing well, are the first place to begin this conversation. Most men are honestly OK with having limited friends, so long as they’re seen as a successful, virile provider. If they get 1–2 fishing trips or college reunions every 3.5 years, that’s usually OK. Again, varies by person.
Then you get into kids vs. no kids. If you have 3–5 kids, your life is inherently different than someone with 0–1 kids. Even if you’re privileged and have lots of child care options and can get out for a weekend or two every two months, you still are just not in a position to prioritize friendships. You likely prioritize your job (to continue to have income), other financial decisions (same), and your kids. Hopefully in the reverse order, but not guaranteed. Lots of married couples with 3–4 kids barely prioritize each other, i.e. sex life, date night, etc. You think they’re suddenly gonna prioritize Terry from the freshman dorms? Not realistic.
Here’s a briefly salacious take on human connection, too.
The essence of the “friendship recession” discussion isn’t in social science or politics or the demeaning of one gender, or anything else. It’s honestly in raw economics, prioritization of success metrics, and kids vs. no kids.
Your take?