The iPhone Is The New Parent

Breakfast with a side of societal demise.

I sometimes go to breakfast on Sunday mornings with about 10–12 people from my neighborhood. Periodically I go to church instead, although I think I’ve felt less and less positive about church over my generalized infertility journey, because so much of a “church community” is really just about honoring Fertile Franny and Virile Victor in hopes that you just hooked them into 20 more years of having to give you money. Oh shit, did I say the quiet part out loud? Ooops.

So, one morning I go to breakfast over at a place in Fort Worth called Vickery Cafe. A table over from us, I see a family of four sitting down. I grew up very privileged and don’t love privilege as a concept (deep emotional stuff going on there), so instantly the first thing I notice is that the father is wearing a Fort Worth Country Day polo. That’s a fancy private school. Again, I went to fancy private school and I know it’s a bed of roses with more than a few pricks. I’m observing this family as I scan the menu.

First thing that happens is the mom takes out two iPad tablets, shoves them in front of the two sons, and then … I shit you not on this part … she places headphones into each son’s ears, as if they couldn’t do it themselves. I would imagine these boys are 8 and 5.

The parents then ostensibly would carry on their own breakfast conversation, as their kids are now preoccupied. Nope. The dad takes out his phone and begins scrolling. Now I am very invested in seeing where this goes as I decide to order chilaquiles for myself.

And then…