Tough one to start writing, because the easiest rebuttal is always going to be something around “accountability.” I’ve definitely had periods of more and less accountability to self and others, which I think is another way of saying “I am a human being.” Most of the biggest chest-puffers re: accountability, especially in a white-collar work sense, are not actually that accountable to anyone, most especially their employees. Usually, of course, these people end up in middle management.
As for my own journey, I’ve said it a few times in different blogs here, but I got divorced in ’17 and I think for a few years with that I was just on autopilot trying to survive and not get drunk and drive my car into a tree and make the income needed to pay rent and bills and bar tabs and go see other friends in other places once in a while. I was moderately successful at doing these things from about 2017–2019, then COVID readjusted society for a second, and I got remarried, and mostly since then I’ve been trying to be a good husband + in this fertility struggle. So, it’s been a weird ride. I’ve been freelance for a lot of this time, although I’ve had a few full-time gigs in there. I think my shortest full-timer lasted about 88 days, but I had a few last less than a year. In most of those cases, I did stupid things but the management tier + job design was also batshit nuts, so maybe those are blessings in disguise that they didn’t last long.
Still, it contributed to disliking myself.
I’ll start with a story on the fertility side. I know a dude through my church. I have interacted with him maybe five times. He seems incredibly nice. Affable. I think we’d be friends if not for geographic distance (he lives 30 miles from me) and the fact that he has 3–4 kids and I don’t, and 3–4 young kids is time-consuming / the ultimate excuse of adulthood, depending on which school of thought you belong to.
Well, this kid (and again, seems very nice) is a massive dude, huge beer gut, and his wife is similar. Again, not knocking the quality of human being, just saying they’re big people and overtly out-of-shape. But damn, just knocking out kids. Bam bam bam bam.
Sometimes I look at this dude from afar in church and I’m like “Hmmm, why not me? Why can’t I get that once?”
And I don’t know the answer. I’m a fat fuck too, and I spent most of my 30s drinking too much, so that’s probably the answer. I think IPA-laden sperm probably don’t get home as much. And while I made all those decisions and periodically had some fun doing ’em, I still end up dislking myself for all of it. It’s a regret. I’ve written about that before.
Then I get tied up in other knots around fertility, i.e.:
Why do I even want to be a biological dad?
Why do I put so much stake in a nuclear family concept?
How much of this is tied to my own dwindling sense of masculinity?
Would I even be good at this role if it came down the pike?
These are kinda sorta deeper questions, and most people don’t have to think about them that much — they decide to have kids, they try, they struggle for 3–6 months, and then Betsy is pregnant. I’m on Year 4 of all this. I’ve had a lot of time to think about it. So, I end up disliking myself because I can’t do the “one thing” it seems men are supposed or expected to do. It’s sad.
And I’m glad for that big boy at my church, that he gets the experience of 3–4 kids. Cool for him. I’m sure there are also challenges that come with it, most of which I’d never fully understand.
I just dislike myself because I can’t get there.
So that’s the fertility piece. I don’t know if I’ll ever solve that shit. Maybe I will without my genetic material. Who knows at this point?
Then we move to the friendship piece.
I don’t really think a lot of people over 35 have good friends. Some do. In general, I think people kinda exit the “caring about friends” ecosystem when they enter the “child-rearing” ecosystem, with a few exceptions and maybe a night or two each year that is focused more on peer relationships.
I have some good friends in my life, and I’ve had good friends at other periods of time. I’ve lost way more than I’ve gained, though. Some of that is the divorce. You become nuclear to people when you get divorced, and even if husbands of your ex’s friends liked you, they gotta go nuclear on you too. You lose a lot of people when you get divorced. It’s hard, and you don’t process it for a while. I didn’t. But it can make you feel really alone and dislike yourself and wonder who you have.
I had this one friend through my ex, husband of her freshman year college roommate, who I thought we were OK, ya know? We spent two New Year’s Eves together. We talked about the Bills a lot. At one of the six weddings we attended concurrently, his wife told me, “Greg thinks of you as one of his best friends.” That was in summer ’15. In early ’18, he told me on text “I never liked you that much and I think you overstated our relationship.” Hmmm. OK. It hurt like a bitch at the time. Now that was six years ago, so I’ve kinda gotten past it. I’m just using it as an anecdote to show how this shit hits.
So, the friendship thing is hard. I dislike myself around that. I feel bad for alienating people. Some of that, again, is divorce. Some is drinking and being off-task texting people from a bar or someplace. Some is a generalized sense of anger or frustration with the world. Some is I write longer texts and think about bigger things, and a lot of people just want to use emojis and say how sick Josh Allen was on Sunday. So, I dunno. I’m confused by it all, but I dislike myself for how my friendships have played out. Some’s on me, and it’s sad.
Then you move over to the parents thing. I’ve been in Texas for 10 years next month. I think they’ve come here twice. Granted, COVID colors some of that. I’ve tried to get them to move from NYC to save money + be closer. No moving that needle. For a while, I assumed it was because I wasn’t producing grandkids. That made me dislike myself again. Now I think it’s more stubbornness and fear of change. I can’t fault them for that, but it’s sad when you’re an only child and your parents don’t want to be near you for their twilight years. Again, causes you to dislike yourself.
It’s been a hard road for a while. Some good parts, some great ones, but a lot of self-doubt and self-loathing.
If you come across this and feel somewhat of a similar way, feel free to comment or message me or whatever else. I’d love to talk.
For now, I’m trying these things:
E-biking around as a form of exercise
Reducing triggers
Embracing the good parts of my lot in life
Smiling at the relationships I had, as opposed to crying because they’re over
Not day drinking
Trying to think about the things that make me uniquely good in the world
That’s where I’m at. Welcome any thoughts on your journey.
I think the six things you're trying now are pretty cool. So is liking yourself. Or disliking yourself less.
"Again, not knocking the quality of human being, just saying they’re big people and overtly out-of-shape. But damn, just knocking out kids."
Same thing happens when you're unemployed. You think - How does THAT clown have a good job, and I don't?