I’ve banged the drum on infertility in Medium posts for a few years now, with this being the longest.
This was the latest, kinda about how my own situation wasn’t much better of late.
Let me just walk through some of this a bit and see if I can help anyone out who is going through the same stuff.
What causes all this male factor infertility shit?
Probably logical root causes, including:
Genetics
Luck of the draw
Obesity
Drinking/smoking
In my case I think it would be “generally unhealthy behaviors” and “drinking.” It could be genetic, but I’ve been told the tale that when my parents had me, any issues were “more on my mom’s side.” So, I dunno.
What is “significant male factor infertility?”
I hear this on calls with doctors a lot. It’s basically like the elevator music of my life at some level. It’s very depressing, but at least I can be realistic and discuss it, right?
I think it has something to do with:
Sperm volume within an ejaculate sample (what a sentence to type)
Overall motility
Progressive motility (swimming forward)
All my digits on those three are pretty low.
What outcome does this typically lead to, conception-wise?
IVF. If you’re lower numbers-wise, you can’t typically do IUI or get a woman pregnant organically.
So is this frustrating?
Yea, for sure. It can be incredibly frustrating and depressing and you feel like you have no purpose, you’re not a man, you feel colored by previous decisions and timing, etc. You feel like you’re letting down huge groups of people, from your spouse to her parents to your parents to friends of hers to whoever else. Honestly it’s fucking miserable to live through it, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It causes a lot of resentment for shitty, absentee, “ugh I gotta make my kids some sandwiches” dads that you see, but I’ll address how to avoid that resentment (within reason) in a few minutes.
So how open are we about male infertility?
Most research and discussion about infertility issues involve women’s issues and miscarriages, and I think those are the conventional narratives people are comfortable having. Male infertility has gotten more attention in the last 5–10 years, in part because of the global fertility crisis in industrialized countries, with Japan being the biggest problem right now. We frame some of this as “young men are so broken!” (which might be true), but some of it also as “young men have bad sperm,” which is probably also true.
As for young men being broken, well, I mean, that too is true.
So here’s a question that comes up: What is “a man?”
This is a loaded question and I think you’d get 10 million different answers to it. Some will say “a provider.” I bet that would be the biggest generic answer. The thing is, the “provider” narrative has even shifted. Women out-earn young men in most major U.S. cities, and some globally. Honestly, there’s been discussions of late of what exactly the point of husbands even is — aside from siring children.
I think most guys would define this whole thing around success, trappings, mile time, deadlift, career arc, number of kids, hotness of spouse, etc. Some would define it around faith and community. Again, it varies.
I do personally think “helping produce kids” is an element of being a man, and that’s why I get so depressed about my shit. But do I think it’s the “only” thing? No. I think being a good person and reaching out to those in need is also helpful and “manly.”
So what’s a “father?”
A lot of people put this is the “Skinned Knee” narrative. Your kid skins a knee, who he run to? The person that will help. If that isn’t his biological dad, is it still his “father?” Yes. This is a common argument among both bio-dads and adopted dads.
I also went to a men’s retreat once and around a campfire, I was talking to a guy who already had five kids, but they were all boys. His wife wanted a girl. Instead of keeping on naturally, they were considering adopting. (Logical.) He says to me, “I know I won’t love the adopted kid as much.”
Goddamn!
But I mean, lots of people feel that way too. “Fruit of my loins!” type shit. I get it. So would I say that guy is a true “father” or “provider?” In many conventional ways, absolutely. You can do with it all what you will, though.
So does every woman “want” to be a mom?
My ex, I’m not so sure. She would sometimes claim she did, but then had different reasons why not to focus on it at that point. (Not sure it would have mattered anyway, knowing both these sperm numbers and that, well, we broke up.) My current wife does want to be a mom, so I feel like a failure in that regard. Do I need to feel that way? No. But I do. Human emotion is raw and it can smack ya in the mouth sometimes.
Are women supportive of other women in the whole fertility journey?
Some are, for sure. There’s nothing in this post that I can apply collectively because all people and relationships are inherently different. I would say from what I’ve seen twice now in longer-term relationships, most women get theirs (a kid or two) and kinda stop caring about people struggling. Now, the obvious counter to this is “Well, now they have kids, and that needs to be their focus.” I would also agree with that. But, I don’t think human empathy dies because you pop out a few newborns. In fact, I’d argue motherhood often strengthens empathy, even if we treat new moms like shit societally and Lindsay Clancy might be the case that finally breaks that whole system apart.
I’d say you go through a lot of Instagram posturing with new moms and they don’t often realize that want-to-be moms are seeing that shit and wondering why there’s no 1-to-1 connection about the topic. It’s lame. But also, be should be able to do what they want on social media platforms. That’s also true.
So how do you deal with the resentment of it all?
For a long time I just went to bars along the Trinity River at 11:30am on weekdays, drank to excess, unsafely drove home, and watched Law and Order reruns.
That’s not really a good existence, so over the last six months or so, I’ve tried to find ways to reduce my triggers.
That part ain’t easy, but slowly it’s doable. Getting out of some toxic bullshit masculinity groups helped me a bit there. AA, men’s breakfast, other communities helped too.
Writing helps. That’s why I post these things.
What’s next?
Not sure.
Health. Contentment. No drinking. Maybe a process. Maybe foster. Maybe adopt.
Something.
I’ve hopefully got half my life left out there, and I’d like to spend some of it being some type of parent.
Love to whoever read this far, and feel free to message me if you have anything you’d like to add.