When You Can't Give Her What She Wants

The baseline problem of infertility.

A lot of couples in human history (all?) have argued, and oftentimes in long-term relationships, the arguments are about something totally different than the actual topic that started them. I think most of us are familiar with this trend line. I had a buddy years ago who was famous for dating women for about 2–3 years (pretty long!) and then it would end in a spectacular crash. Now he’s 43 and married to a 28 year-old, so go figure, ya know? He would always tell me: “I hate how the goal posts move in relationship fights.” Indeed. Many of us hate that.

From my reading and my own anecdotal observations of life and what people post about on social media and all that bullshit, it seems like most long-term relationship arguments revolve around some perceived slight, something from the past that one or both parties cannot give up, or guys being a derp and not doing anything to help with kids/home. I’ve written about that before.

There’s a great YouTube video out there from The Financial Diet called “The Depressing Normalization Of The Useless Husband.” Go watch it. I’ve made something similar, too!

Now, there is a reality that cannot be avoided when you bring infertility into this: most women (not all, and a decreasing number, but still most) want to be moms. The reasons for “why” they want to be moms are sometimes insanely fucking shallow, i.e. “I want to keep up with my friends” and/or the quiet part out loud of “Someone needs to care for me when I age and this derp husband dies first,” but again, most women want to be moms.

As such, if you are a male with fertility issues, you encounter what I’d call a “baseline problem” of being a guy in a long-term relationship. Even if you do unload the dishwasher, or make dinner, or clean up most of the time, it’s generally not going to be good enough, because you didn’t hit the baseline.