When Your Friend Of 21 Years Just Punts You With No Explainer

The sudden, perhaps-unexpected, not-discussed demise of a decades-long friendship.

I was friends with this kid Redding for about, give or take, two decades. I went to Georgetown University for undergraduate (and now I write newsletters in gym shorts, so I’ve really max’ed out that degree), and he transferred in junior year. We had two solid years together in college, both as roommates, and then I would say we had some up-and-down phases post-college. I was in Houston for a while as he was in NYC + DC, so we saw each other sporadically then; he went to San Francisco for years while I was in Connecticut + NYC, but around then people we knew started getting married, so I saw him on bachelor party and wedding circuits, and then once he had two kids, he freed up a little bit and we took two group trips (guys) in ’18 and ’19. I think the last time I physically was in a room with him was a brewery in Richmond in ’19, but we talked in ’20 (when I got remarried) and a little bit of ’21 and a very small slice of ’22. I haven’t talked to this dude in two years + now, although I’ve tried texting him and emailing him. Nothing.

I cannot figure out the exact moment this thing broke apart. I was telling him about IVF in 2022 — that’s when I did it the first time — and he seemed to kinda recoil from that, so maybe it was that? I’m not sure, because, well, he hasn’t spoken to me in two years. It is possible that I got drunk one day or night and said something uncouth or untoward to him. That has happened in my life. I wouldn’t rule it out, admittedly.

To give you a little context on this friendship, with the caveat that most male friendships have some deep imperfections —

— I’ll roll a couple for you:

1. I got married the first time in 2013. When this dude had transferred into Georgetown, I got assigned to him as a junior year roommate in this LXR (dorm at Georgetown) deal I was doing, largely because I think I ended sophomore year getting kinda screwed in the whole housing picture. I wrote him a letter. At my 2013 wedding, he told my dad about the letter and both my dad and him were crying. That felt pretty powerful.

2. I have long stretches of 2002 to 2022 where I would have classified this kid as “my best friend.” I know that doesn’t mean that much in the guy canon, but it did to me.

3. His mom went through some stuff (everyone’s mom does), and I felt like I tried to check on him + give him space in equal measure. I may have messed up that balance, though. Again, I’m unsure.

I wrote this about him and some of my other friends.

I only sporadically talk to most of the peeps in that photo nowadays, although admittedly that photo is about six years old.

I’ve struggled with this Redding thing on and off for two years, including mentioning it in this post.

I guess I struggle with it because I have no real closure on what exactly I did here. Was it a life thing? Was I too much? Did I press in some way? Was it just the pressure of raising kids and we’re not in the same city or orbit? Was it something else altogether?

I guess I will never really know, unless he boomerangs back around someday.

I think people can too easily go “absentee” on you, personally.

That’s why I kinda think we’re a little two-faced on mental health as a society — we claim to need community and connection, but it seems like most people want a safe space where they won’t be bothered and can focus on their own personal definitions of success and convenience.

This felt like one of the bigger ghost jobs of my life. It’s weird that it came from someone I had been in a few foxholes with over two decades, but maybe I misinterpreted some of that relationship. I think I have attachment issues periodically, and I might run faster and deeper into things than they really are. So maybe that’s what happened here.

Anyway — if you know who I’m talking about or you are who I’m talking about, just tell him I miss him, OK?