Yea, But Do Women REALLY Support Other Women?

Kamala to waiting rooms.

If you want probably the clearest socio-cultural or political version of the idea that women don’t support other women, just look at Trump’s two national electoral victories. Both were against women (he’s actually 0–1 vs. a man), and these two wins came despite Trump being generally awful to women for years and years at this point. In 2024, there were so many calls around “women supporting women” and “it’s all about reproductive rights, all women can understand that,” and somehow Kamala got murdered, even though women are 51% of the populace in the U.S. Various and sundry theories exist for why, and here’s one you don’t hear as much: women are not a “monolith,” and thus different women care about different things. Protected, gilded cage women care about their husband’s income ability, and a lot of times, that meant a vote for Don. As for “reproductive rights” as a central female issue, it should be, but of course it’s not. A woman in prime reproductive years who wants kids does not care about the universal idea of reproductive rights, because she has no plans to get an abortion if it happens for her. A woman 20 years post menopause who wants to live to 90? She cares more about the cost of widgets than something that she last thought about 62 years ago.

It’s not always true and it varies by woman, but what I just said is broadly true.

I’m also now on Year Five of infertility, which is a shitty process that causes you to reconsider lots of things about yourself, who you are as a person, what you thought you’d gain from life vs. what you’re actually doing, etc, etc. It can make you feel like you “let down” various people, while also realizing that no one really cares about your situation that much. Makes sense, too: they’re busy with their own lives and commitments.

My wife’s friends started having kids in mid-to-late 2018, and then was a burst through 2020, stopped (ironically) with COVID, and had another little wave in 2022–2023. Now some are on three kids, but most seem to have “stopped” at two (oh God, the replacement rate!).

It’s interesting to me because in 2020–2021 region, when we first actively trying to figure out egg counts and sperm counts and costs and processes, a lot of her friends would reach out to her on Mother’s Day and say, “Hey, I am sorry you’re not there yet. But I love you and I am praying for you.” Now, about 4–5 years in, she heard from no one yesterday. I don’t think the entire concept of empathy was sucked from those women’s bodies in 47 months, so I wonder what else might be happening.

Here are some of the conventional arguments I have heard.

“Life gets busy.”